This blog post was written to our third marriage anniversary. With this incredible man who's hugging me on the pictures, I’ve learned how to love and to forgive. My husband Daniel Gul showed me the world through different eyes... Thank you, my love, I’ll always be grateful for that.

The blog post might be useful for married couples and women and men who’re thinking about marriage.

What is marriage?

Marriage is an institution of two, who’re sharing the same values and looking in the same direction in life. Marriage is the process by which two people make their relationship official. Marriage means that this is forever. The institution of two lasts until death and the process of forever doesn’t mean the death of the relationship (divorce). You’re a team of two in grief and joy, in wealth and poverty. When both members are ready to expand their institution, they plan parenthood.

The key words are:

they – is a third plural pronoun (Collins Dictionary)

plan - is a method of achieving something that you have worked out in detail beforehand (Collins Dictionary)

Two people are responsible for the decisions and actions in the institution the name of which is a family.

As a Professional Planner, I must admit that it’s impossible to plan everything. Personally, I didn’t plan to get married until my 30’s, but love should never be something you plan. Preparing for a baby is something different than preparing for finding the love of your life. Preparing for a baby together is a MUST because you’re giving life to a newborn human infant, who will contribute or destroy the world one day.

Marriage Equality

When partners in a marriage value equality, they would never “fight for territory”, because they see each other as equals and each values the other’s life. Let me explain: that’s unfair that women do household tasks and childcare, only because IT’S THEIR ROLE. Who said so and when? We should treat each other with respect, consider each other’s needs and support one another. Let’s look at an example of Prime Minister of New Zealand, Jacinda Ardern, who became a mom in 2018. Her partner put his work on hold to look after the daughter, while she’s busy as Prime Minister of New Zealand. Their example shows us that there’s nothing like gender roles because in marriage it’s all about making decisions as a married couple and prioritizing the tasks together.

Let me show you another example, which comes to my mind when I think about inequality. This situation happened to me a year ago. I used to go for a manicure to one girl, who worked from home. Once, I was her last client and she said to me the following: “I work from 9 AM till 9 PM and afterward I make dinner for my partner. I’m so exhausted, can someone do it instead of me?” she sighed. I told her that this “someone” is her partner, who has hands and can make dinner instead of her. To what she said that her partner works the whole day and she’s the one who’s at home. If you only saw me and my reaction to that! Does it sound unfair only to me? I’m so sorry, but what’s she doing?

To make the long story short, if you’re a woman - it doesn’t mean that you’re responsible for cooking; you can always ask your partner for help or order food online. Secondly, if you work from home it doesn’t mean that the partner who’s coming back home from the office is more tired or more important than you. Last but not least, do not depreciate yourself and don’t do something you don’t want to. Next time, if you don’t want, let’s say, to make dinner (even if you divided the responsibilities and cooking is your duty; it’s nothing wrong with asking your partner for help. The one, who loves, will never be angry with you. Likewise, he/she will be grateful for your trust and honesty).

Remember the one thing, it doesn’t matter if you’re a Prime Minister or a manicurist - don’t make the decisions based on society and parents expectations and don’t do something you don’t want to do.

Marriage means that you’re united and there’s no such power, which can influence the unity between you both. That’s your family and you both, as the equal partners, decide by your own what’re your roles in the family. Once you have agreed about what decisions you want to make together, talk about how the two of you will handle making the decisions together.

Practical Exercise

Devote 15 minutes and ask yourself the following questions:

1. What’s your role in the family?

2. Who does what?

3. What’re you comfortable with?

4. What’re you not comfortable with?

5. Who will work/stay home after having children?

Recommendation: set the meeting with your partner and discuss the responsibilities of your family. Set a one on one meeting at least once a month and discuss progress with each other.

Remember, there’s no reason for conflict! Communication is a very important tool for a healthy marriage and partners must talk to each other and discuss their life together.